Monday, November 19, 2007
wow a statement struck me hard. i don even know whether u were joking or not. it really struck me hard. is it true? lol... =O
crap. lol...
dam this headache of mine.
7:36 AM
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Promises i made, i always cant fulfil them the way i want them to be. i really dunno wat to do. im always giving u false hopes.
am i good enough for u? i am really unsure. i wanna try til the very end. but if trying means making u stick with me when u have no feelings, wat good will it be. i really dunno..
After thinking through all these times, i realise i still love u very much. I know maybe u will be happy outside without me always burdening u. I want to let u go.
But everytime i remember those times we went through, our ice cream sessions, watching movies with my parents, our long hours of shopping, studying together, meals together, they are all so memorable and fun. I cant bear to let all these go.
I cant bear the thought of this. wat if we brk up, den next time i happen to go those places we went together. Pepper lunch, marina sq, suntec, airport, seoul garden, etc. how will i feel? will i regret? i really cant think of it. it makes me feel very scared, very sad everytime.
i wanna cherish the girl who made me change so much in my life. the girl who made me realise who am i. the girl who made me wake up. but she is unhappy.. can some1 please tell me wat to do?
8:56 AM
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Have many things to blog about at first. Was so happy tml i can finally see sa. but now everything changed. Seriously i dunno wat happen to her these few weeks. i know she had been busy looking for jobs cos her holidays getting shorter as time goes by. i know she is worried about her 2nd year life in school. she had been worried about her lack of money cos hols no allowance. i know i had been saying the wrong things and irritated her. but i don mean anything like tat. all i wan is to help her. it just turns out tat im asking those 'stupid' qns. i know i always cant help her. so i try to ask or do less of those stupid things le. she must be feeling tat she got a v useless bf who cant help her at all. only know how to irritate and make things worse. furthermore not like im good looking or build or watever tat girls wan. hai
now she found her job le. promos also over le. i know she worried about next year. she will be alone. i have school. i will definitely find time to meet her. but i know she doesnt care about tat. she is more worried about having some1 to accompany her in school. eating lunch with her. spending time with her after school. i can understand cos no1 like to be alone. hai.. other ppl in poly can find their gf everyday even when they have schools. why cant i. i just dunno why. surely they cant be skipping lessons everyday. i just don understand it. sometimes i feel like quitting school and go to work. i will have time for her. i can also have money for us. but i know this will only call for more scoldings.
right after tat, she is suddenly like a changed person. everytime i talk to her normally, she respond like don feel like talking to me. like shes talking to a stranger. i don like this feeling at all. i don even know wat is she thinking nowadays. she keeps everything to herself now. we don communicate as much now. i really don like this. all she talks about is her shows. but wat i really wan to know is her feelings. there is surely something wrong somewhere. i just dunno why she is like tat. did i do something wrong again? did i neglect her while im doing my projects? hai tml is the day tat im waiting so long to come so i can meet her. but even tat she say don meet le. i really dunno why.
ever since last time she says she is always putting on a mask everytime. now she says she is also putting on a mask even when she is in front of me. am i really tat bad tat she cant be herself when she is with me? everytime she says she can relax when she is with me. is tat true? if it is, why is she saying tat she is not her true self even when she is with me. why?? she says she cant believe in my words. she says she cant understand me. why is tat so... why am i difficult to understand. am i really still a liar? why doesnt she wan to tell me anything now. why must she do this to me at the end of every year, when the holidays are here. last year was the same. now it happened again. she is going to work too. there will be even lesser communication. i really feel like crying. theres no1 else to talk to. sometimes i feel like talking to my parents about everything. but i just dunno how to say. i wan some advice. wat can i do to change everything.
ever since last time, i have to reading things about how to be a good bf. to be a better bf. i have been doing everything except for the part about giving surprises. giving flowers. giving candies. but the rest, i have done all of them. i have been supporting her. i have been listening to her. even though my time is tight, i still find time for her when i can. but wat is wrong. everyone says tat love must not expect anything in return. love must be unconditional. i do things without expecting her to do the same. i can seriously swear on tat. troubles she tell me i will listen and say my opinion. troubles i tell her sometimes she nv even talk about it or say anything. i said nvm cos she has her own probs. but wat else do i need to be a better bf. i really dunno.. i need advice.
im feeling very terrible now. i wanna know everything but i cant. year end is here. christmas is coming. my birthday is coming. from young i had always hoped for my gf to spend my birthday with me watching the christmas lights. and staying on til christmas day. im still waiting for it to happen will it happen this year? i doubt so. jasmine's tarot card predictions said tat this year will be an alright year for us. but next yr onwards she dunno. so is this good prediction coming to an end? hai i really dunno. my head is spinning with all the thoughts. seriously, if i nv had been born, my frens can have a better team mate. my sisters can have a better brother. my parents can have less 1 child to take care of. financial stuffs wont be so difficult. sa can be happier without some1 irritating her and not understanding her needs.
guys listen to these songs. they totally portrays my feelings now.
蒲公英的约定 - the last paragraph and the chorus.
在走廊上罚站打手心
我们却注意窗边的蜻蜓
我去到哪里你都跟很紧
很多的梦在等待着进行
一起长大的约定
那样清晰打过勾的我相信
说好要一起旅行
是你如今唯一坚持的任性
一起长大的约定
那样真心
与你聊不完的曾经
而我已经分不清
你是友情还是错过的爱情
and 我不配 - the chorus
这感觉已经不对
我努力在挽回
一些些应该体贴的感觉我没给
你嘟嘴许的愿望很卑微在妥协
是我忽略你不过要人陪
这感觉已经不对
我最后才了解
一页页不忍翻阅的情节你好累
你默背为我掉过几次泪多憔悴
而我心碎你受罪你的美我不配
really hope everything will go back to normal again. i wanna be the one supporting her. i don wan her to be alone. if she is suffering, i wan to protect her. if she is lonely, i wan to be there for her. if she is sad, i wan to be the 1 to cheer her up. we have all sorts of dreams together in future. i don wan them to be like the chorus of the 1st song.
i know things will be better soon...
8:42 AM